incoherency strikes....again. screw it.

i began to think a lot after tonight's conversation, and this realization really has nothing to do with what was exchanged... not directly. i was telling jarron about how people really bothered me, in many ways, but this time, specifically in the sense that people hardly ever say what they mean. this fact is not new to me, nor to him, but he listens to me anyway, and i love him for it. but after i hung up, for some reason i began to think about what i said. people say they give a damn, but they don't, not really. here and there people are genuine-- oh god, are they stars-- but there are few. people who do not mean what they say, every now and then they do things, maybe things to gain your trust here and there, just to have another person in their circle, maybe. but they never actually care about you. but how could you ever know that? can you ever actually discern that? it's hard to. but i began to think about people caring. and how few really do-- i mean really. i have had countless people tell me, "kim, if you ever need anything, i am a phone call away. i mean that." sometimes i can appreciate the gesture in those words, but they're...words. just words. i never find any sincerity behind them. some people i think truly mean it, just a couple very good friends, but sometimes... i don't know. i mean, face it-- who really wants to take their time out to listen to problems? negative sides: one, it interferes with whatever that person is doing at the time. although they say they don't care, they can drop whatever, they really do care, and throughout that conversation they probably aren't even WITH you because they're worrying themselves to death over whatever you just dragged them away from. two, sometimes your own negativity will bring down the other person. three, usually words aren't even necessary, so what is the point of interrupting other people's lives just to talk about nothing, just to have someone there, when you just don't want to talk about it, but want company?

God. I don't know. I had a point with all this-- I had a point I was getting to... I can't remember it. I had it all thought out, and I almost called someone to just rant at them for a few minutes... I have been doing that lately (not necessarily negative things-- just things on my mind, really.), I don't know if it's a good or bad thing... probably bad. Well, my point is... I don't know. I just don't think I know what true sincerity is. I thought I knew, but I guess I don't. I don't know a lot of things. I'm really hating myself right now. I'm done.