matters of little matter.

today, again, someone shared their 'concern' for me. again they told me that they think it would be best to go into a hospital for a while, get medicine, probably both. i re-explained to them my reasons for not-- expenses, not wanting to tell my father, and being afraid. they said if they had to, they would find a way-- cover the costs. which is absurd. shortly after, they told me that if i did not speak to my father... they would. they said it would be best if he heard it from me, but they would say it, if they had to.

here's my deal. my father has changed since he has known cathy... he is different. i wish i could change him back. he has a few different christian ideals than he used to, as i remember, and to me, he seems to be more... prude, i think is an accurate word. i am afraid that if i speak to him, he will treat me differently. just like everyone else who knows does. "how are you?"s will have a different meaning. their eyes are different. they search mine, then they search my arms. some become angry, or hurt, as though i had done wrong to them. i have had people grab me and point and ask what the hell is the matter with me-- what is so wrong? why? people express their disappointment in me. i do not care... people are people. people who i love... they are a different story. i don't want my father to treat me differently. i want us to stay the same. i don't want his eyes to change when he sees me-- i don't want his "how are you?"s to change meanings. i do not want his disappointment. i do not want to be the reason for his frowns.

if i could go to therapy while avoiding those things, fuck, i would do it. it isn't like i enjoy living my life the way i do.

as for being afraid-- well, i am. say i do go; say i do speak to someone. what if they tell me nothing is the matter? it's all in my head-- there is nothing to be helped. what then? oh god. it's one of my fears. and similarly, what if something is very wrong? mental institutions-- asylums... they are my greatest fears.

i really have no desire any more to quit my self injury. i have realized this. i just want my mind to become better. i can fix one without the other. i can-- why not?

i have not been writing in my journal lately. one because my hand shakes too much for no reason, because my hand gets tired, and because i'm tired of seeing my own trends. my ups and downs, the times it comes and goes. there are trends... how i did notice them before, i don't know. so i'm writing here... hardly anyone has this link anyhow.

i've promised i would read up on bpd, which i already have, but i will read more extensively. i went to the library today for research, but it was too late, so that's a no-go for now. ah, well.

i feel like a fool.