My first session.

It's funny, how I didn't see this coming. Well, I sort of did. I feared it, a hall monitor coming into my classroom and handing my teacher the note telling them to send me to Mr. Baldwin, and then being forced into the office because I refused to go... but after I visited the library between zero-hour and first-hour like I usually do, Mrs. Benwell didn't say a single word about her wanting me to see him, so I thought maybe she'd dropped it, but I was wrong. The pre-bell rang so I walked to my class, and on my desk already waiting was that piece of paper I'd been freaking out about all along. I asked Mrs. Woodward if I could just ignore the note, and she said, "Well, I guess you can, but..." and I didn't find out what was after, because she just gave me a weird look that I can't really name. So I did ignore it, but he came down and got me anyway. And I didn't throw a big fit like I did in the library yesterday, because I'd completely disrupt class, but I did protest, but it didn't work. So the next thing I know, I'm in his office, seething. Mrs. Benwell had to push me in the room and shut the damn door. And I just want to point out that the room, it smelled... weird. It reminded me a lot of a hospital, which unnerved me completely. But it also smelled like peppermints, which was due to the jar of those lifesaver mints sitting on the desk in front of me. And the room even felt different, the air, I mean. I know that sounds weird. But it was cool in there, crisp, but it wasn't too cold. I'm sure the smell and the feel of the place might be comfortable for most people, but it just made me more of a nervous wreck. Within the first few minutes he said, "So why are we here today?" And I murmured something about Mrs. Benwell forcing me, and apparently that wasn't acceptable because he asked again. So I told him "I don't know." Then he said, "You say that, but your eyes are telling me differently." I laughed really hard at this, I couldn't help it, but I tried to quit quickly, because while I did not want to be there... I am not a disrespectful person. Not entirely. "Your eyes are glassing over." It was too ridiculous for me to even laugh at, so I yelled and explained I was getting emotional because I was ANGRY, and I didn't want to be in his office, 'chatting' with him, against my will. I noticed a few things about this man, and maybe about counselors in general. I have never honestly had a sit-in session with a counselor before. Every school I've gone to has called me to their office for some reason, because apparently teachers always are 'concerned' about me and think I am 'troubled', but I've always been able to say, "I don't know what you're talking about, things are fine," and they'll just dismiss it. So I've never spoken with a counselor like this, so this is the only experience I have to base my statement off of, but I am assuming that it's something they're taught to do. Well, they use very vague statements. Very. With statements so vague, it can apply to any situation, ever. It's kind of like that stupid shit that those so-called "psychics" pull. Or fortune cookies. If you aren't being observant it's easy to overlook, it sounds like some very wise thing, but in reality he has no idea what he's talking about. It's an opening to get you to open up and tell him things. I'm no fool. I didn't open up and tell him anything, not at that time, and so he told me all about himself. Apparently he's a 'Nam vet, and he told me all about that. He asked me if I was interested in the army, and I told him I was, but I wasn't sure why, because I don't even like my country. Then I rephrased and said, perhaps it's just society, not really my country as a whole. I just don't like people. So he goes on and he's like, "That makes sense, I can understand that. People with their awful mindsets and their fancy cars and their manicured lawns and everyone's just gotta be perfect--" and what he was saying wasn't really what I was thinking, but I just stared blankly in hopes he'd understand I want to leave and maybe just dismiss me. And the next thing I know, he's saying, "Yeah, society is that way. Fuck society! Fuck everyone. Fuck that shit, who gives a fuck?" And for the rest of the session, he casually flung around curse words that administration normally are never allowed to use. I guess maybe he was trying to get on a personal level with me, to give me something to relate to, so I humored him a little for his effort and answered a few of his questions. And yes, you guessed it, conversation got stuck on my deceased mother dearest, and I as briefly as I could answered his questions. He asked if I missed her, and I kind of gave him a "duh" look when I said "very much." He asked if I thought about her a lot, and I told him truthfully that I don't think about her as much as I used to. He asked "What do you think she would want you do to?" (He was talking about me succeeding in school.) So I gave him what he wanted to hear. And he was asking about siblings, so that led to the fact I am adopted, and so he's like raving about how "they CHOSE" me out of all these kids, they "WANTED" me and all of this crap. And he said, "You know she loved you. She did love you. She'd be very proud of you." And I'm ashamed of what I did next, but I began to cry. I mean, I fought it as much as I could, but that only made it worse. I always cry whenever anyone mentions my mother loving me, or how proud she would be of me. I always cry, always. So it wasn't what he was saying. He tried then to make me feel better I guess, 'cause he cracked that cliche "I seem to have that effect on people for their first visits." And I laughed, because it was better than crying, and it helped me stop a little. He told me later that if I was angry at him, I could tell him, and let it out. He said he always has kids in there angry at him, who curse him out all the time and just yell. He told me I could do that too, and that'd be a cool thing to have available, but he never did anything. I'm an angry person, but I'm not mad at him. He doesn't deserve that. I mentioned mindsets, and he told me that if you send out positive vibes, you'll get positive things in return. If you sent out negative vibes, you'd get negative things in return. He used hand motions and everything. I countered, "If you look hard enough for anything, you'll find it, regardless of whether it's there or not." And he countered with something that was wrong. He also kept mentioning God opening doors. I don't know if he's a Christian, believes in God, or was just using that old as dirt phrase because he could. I'm just sort of rambling now, I know. I just don't want to forget anything about that. He told me he does want me to come in regularly, he wants to talk with me more, but that it was entirely optional. He also told me also that they had weekly groups, and he started to explain them. He said I could join one if I wanted to, but I didn't have to decide now. Except I cut him off and told him I definately did not want to do that. So... I guess that is that. I tried getting out without Mrs. Benwell seeing me, because frankly I am upset with her, but she made me stay and talked to me for like five minutes. Saying things like, "I know you're angry at me, but I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you. If you weren't worth it I wouldn't do this," and things like that. I barely heard her at the time. Only now am I stricken by the fact that one of my favorite people actually loves me seemingly as much as I've grown to love her. I'm humbled now, but in her presence I was just livid, so I wriggled out of her reach, asked her to sign me out, and that I had to get to class. I had spent almost two class periods in that office... as if I really needed any other make up work. I forgot to ask him if parents were notified about the meetings, but I'll ask him later. Mrs. Benwell told me that they didn't have to be notified if I didn't want them to be. I definately don't want them to be. I've done enough rambling for today. I just, that experience left me really pathetic all day. I barely heard anything, I kept zoning out (according to everyone else), I couldn't focus, and even though I'd left the room my head was still in there, going over everything that was said. I don't know how I feel yet. I'm disappointed that the person I thought I could confide in is not any help to me, because he has to notify people and step in if I am hazardous to myself or others. If I was doing something to myself he thought would be bad for me, he'd have to stop it. So he's not helpful in some aspects, but maybe in others, if I keep trying. I don't know.