*Note: this blog was supposed to be posted last night before 10 o'clock, but my computer froze and I got frustrated and just left. So, keep that in mind.
I'm meeting with my counselor tomorrow during 3rd hour. Everytime I think about it, I feel really sick, and I don't know why. It really isn't anything to dread... I don't know what's wrong with me. Things are awkward between me and Mrs. Benwell now, and I really hate it. I'm not angry at her anymore but things are just different now, and I don't know how to fix it. I never know how to fix things.
A few Christmas presents came in the mail today. I still need to get other things, though, but I don't have any money. I hope to ask Vicki if I can borrow around $60 (I am dreading asking her...), but I owe her roughly $10 as it is. So, I don't know. We'll see.
My dad is officially picking me up on the 19th. I'm excited, but I'm not. I hope the long car ride there isn't awkward. I also hope he likes this Bela Fleck Live DVD I got him. I have a lot of people to see... I have a feeling this break will be more exhausting than 'breaks' are supposed to be.
I really think I'm gaining weight. I do well with eating only until I'm not hungry anymore, and I eat moderately healthy things, but when I get stressed out, I panic and I just binge completely. I don't exercise so it's not like I'm ever burning anything off. I wish I could just lose weight like normal people, it really frustrates me sometimes.
Today I spilled some soda on my keyboard (sigh), so the "H" key barely works. It didn't work at all earlier, and I had to copy/paste it every time, which was horribly annoying... but now it kind of works, but I have to press very hard, and sometimes then it doesn't work. It's really obnoxious... I don't know how to fix it. See? I don't know how to fix anything. I hope the problem will just go away. It's a possibility.
I got about 3 hours worth of homework done at night school, since I'm done with ACE work. I feel kind of accomplished. Though, it doesn't take too much to make me feel accomplished, because I normally spend 30 minutes or less on homework at home, if at all. I just focus better when I have a desk and a place to be that's brightly lit, no distractions, and in that sort of atmosphere. I simply can't do homework efficiently at my home. I wish I could walk somewhere everyday and do my homework like that... maybe I wouldn't be such a failure in school. And it's not that I'm not smart, I just don't do my work. I prefer not doing homework and reading in class most of the time. My teachers still adore me for some reason... hm. Whatever, I'm not complaining about that bit.
Today we watched theh Dead Poets Society in American Literature. I've read about it, and I've wanted to watch it for quite some time now, so I'm glad. It was better than I thought. It's one of my favorites now.
I'm really tired of Christmas music. Maybe not Christmas music... just the rendundancy, I guess. At least on 102.5, because that happens to be all that Vicki listens to. Every time I'm in the vehicle that's it... it plays the same loops, the same songs, and the radio hosts keep cracking similar jokes that aren't funny. All their laughs sound the same and they all seem as though they've gone through a pound of smack. I never have like radios, though, and their stupid commercials and their annoying jingles that never fail to get stuck in your head. I've never thought about why... huh. I guess now I know that I dislike it because of it's repetitiveness, it's redundancy, it's neverfailing cycle. I don't like routine. You may think I'm looking too deeply into this... maybe you're right.
Today Brandon was telling me about how he has scoliosis of the spine, and it's causing him some real pain (funny, he's never said a word about it before, and he always complains to me), so he went to the doctor and got pain medicine. He says his spine is really curved. I felt a little bad for belittling him like I did, but I laughed, and said, "Not as curved as my mother's was." He asked how it was curved, and I made a jagged "S" motion with my finger in the air. He said that no, his was worse, and I laughed all over again. I guess it was wrong of me, because he doesn't know my mother or her conditions, or the way she's shaped because of her spine. But it's too late now. Later in the conversation he said that he was feeling very strong anxiety, and I asked him if there was any particular reason why. He said no, it's just really strong. I didn't say anything, and he said he was going to go to the doctor to get some anxiety medicine to fix it right up. And I realized this-- I knew this-- before this conversation, but it just struck me again how our generation and how we, as people, are. We want instant gratification. We don't ever want to work for anything, we just want it now. We're so materialistic. And if we have a problem, we want an instant fix-up. We have medicines to cure just about anything and everything and they're prescribed at the drop of a hat. We are so dependent on medicines. I know I may sound a bit like an old-fashioned romantic and transcadentalist-- but I just wish things were simpler. Back then we didn't have all of this, and they still did alright. As I've been saying all my life-- I think I was born in the wrong generation. So, in response to his words, I just kept silent. If I didn't, I would have said all this, and I would have sounded like a bitter old woman.
I'm worried about my grandmother. I don't want her to die, but I have this sense that she will, very soon. She sounds better than she did a while back, because she was very sick, but she's getting older with every day. It hurts me to see her getting older. I want that dear grandmother I used to have who could leap ontop of the table to get away from a miniscule mouse, because she hated those "beady-eyed little critters". It makes my heart hurt. I simply can't handle nursing homes for similar reasons. It just hurts me.
I'm tired. I'm very tired. It's funny, because it's just almost 10. I guess I'll go shower and settle down, though.
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