Your words unsettle me.

Tonight I went out to eat with Doug and Vicki. I said yes because I was really hungry, and I wanted something other than what we have here. Right then, nothing here sounded good. I didn't at all feel like being social, especially since Vicki still seems to be giving me the cold shoulder (though I've evaporated that a bit), but I went anyway. I was pretty quiet the whole night, partially because I'm just tired but mostly just because I didn't feel like being sociable at all. I spoke now and then, I guess like I normally do. Later, much to my dismay, we went to the O'Fallon Wal-mart... and as always, there were a bunch of creepy people there, workers and shoppers. I don't know why, but that place always has an abundance of creepers, but tonight every aisle and every corner I turned at, I had to turn back, because there standing was just the ultimate creeper. It, honestly, frightened me a little. I wanted to look around while Vicki and Doug bantered over which phone charger was right for his new phone, but I couldn't, because I was so creeped out by all the surrounding people. So I stood near them the entire time. I was even quieter then, and my neutral face, according to others, looks pissed off, so maybe this is the reason he came into my room right after we got home, sat down, and began to tell me something. He had papers in his hand, and usually when he comes in my room with papers, Vicki follows, and it's a big lecture... a big lecture about insufficient grades. I knew that couldn't be right, because we'd just had this discussion yesterday. There was no new news, I hadn't done anything, so I was baffled. Vicki's absence confused me even further. He paused, said, "Kim, I'd like to tell you something someone very wise told me once." The cheesiness of this statement did not strike me until this very moment, as I type this. He went on to tell me that sometimes it wasn't the situation that mattered, it was how I responded to the situation that really matters. Soon he brought up the Bible and how there were always examples of this within the text. He said the Hebrews, when they were lost in the desert, could only cry and cry because they were there with no food, etcetera. They didn't respond well to the situation. He said something else, which slips my mind. He said all of this very seriously, looking at me in such a way that I knew that he thought he was imparting some incredible, great wisdom upon me. I wish it was. He gave a nod, and I just nodded back. I told him "thank-you" as sincerely as I could, without it actually being sincere. He said something else about God, and about how he knew things were very hard for me. Things weren't always easy, he said, but it's how you respond to situations. At that time I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't believe in God... not anymore. I just thanked him and he told me I was welcome. Again, as if he had imparted some very powerful message upon me. He, as I predicted he would, stepped over, gave my right shoulder a few strong pats, and left. And I don't know why he did this. I don't know why he did any of this, or why he thinks things are hard for me right now. Am I that obvious? Is it really that clear that I am breaking and trying to hold myself together? Is it visible that I don't want to exist anymore? I fear that it is. Perhaps it was the way I kept silent, maybe the way my face looked. Maybe it was the defeat in my body language, the resignation in me. Maybe someone came to him with concerns, maybe those conversations with administrators at school weren't as private as I thought. Perhaps a friend told them I wasn't doing so hot. Or worse, maybe they noticed my blemishes, maybe they found my several stashed away razor blades. I accidentally left one on my bathroom counter yesterday, and I felt stupid. So stupid. It had been there all night and most of the afternoon-- several people went in-- how could I have not realized? Or maybe they didn't find it. Maybe when they emptied the garbage, maybe they noticed the dismantled razor, how its three blades were missing. Maybe it was our discussion yesterday about grades. I told them I didn't like school anymore... I didn't feel like trying. Maybe that was it. Oh, I hope that was it. Please. It could be any of these things... or all. I have no idea. I simply can't find relevance in his words. The conversation left me unsettled... I am still unsettled. Why am I so easy to stir these past few days? I hate what's happening. I don't want this.